So I notice that in my short time on this planet I have had a variety of experiences. Throughout each experience, I have learned a lot. What I have learned most is that I have a very deep-seated fear in one thing. When I am confronted with this fear anxiety sets in like you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would).
I go into fight mode. I will battle with anyone, anywhere at any time just to avoid this feeling.
Do you have something that you are afraid of? Do you have something that your body seems to react to before your mind has even given its direction? Is there something that when your spidey senses start to tingle lead to an intense emotional response?
This is exactly what I feel every time I think about being vulnerable. It is what I fear the most. Well sort of – I don’t fear being vulnerable but rather I fear not being protected if I am vulnerable.
Over time I have learned that I am the only person who will protect me is – me (not true BTW). So I have built up in my head, heart, and body that when I am in a situation that calls for vulnerability I need to exit fast. This could be in the form of literally removing myself from the situation or fighting my way to safety.
One question I find myself asking is “Who will protect me?” I keep looking at people through this lens and the first time they slip I reject them thus reminding myself no one will seek my good. This is not a healthy way to build relationships. Trust me I have ruined plenty in the name of protecting myself.
Psalm 27: 7-10 Lord, hear my voice when I call; be gracious to me and answer me. My heart says this about you: “Seek his face.” Lord, I will seek your face. Do not hide your face from me; do not turn your servant away in anger. You have been my helper; do not leave me or abandon me, God of my salvation. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord cares for me.
Since I have been able to identify this fear I am in the process of learning how to trust. For me, this starts with God. I need to relearn (and consistently remind myself) that God is the one I can trust even above myself. While I never said it out loud my desire to protect myself reflected my distrust of God and what He allowed to take place in my life. (I dare not fully flesh this out here).
Ultimately, I am working through trusting God, knowing He cares for me and getting closer to Him daily. Proximity brings perspective. I need to know more about who He is so I may trust in Him more.
This trust in God always grounds me when I being to feel unprotected in my relationships. It is a reminder that as God is my helper I do not need to viciously fight for myself. I can use wisdom to access the motives of people and even provide grace when they fail. (Let’s face it I am not perfect either).
This is just a snapshot of a very deep issue. I am attempting to be vulnerable in my confession of distrust toward God and people. Believe it or not, this is the easy part.
Divine Perspective 